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The Mother In Me
Descriptions
A child is a promise. A girl, even more divine. The mind ran
hither and thither to cling onto the north or South Pole of decisions. The
North Pole supporting my partner in crime and the south being the life in me.
The life inside me was an alien. It did not have the nine month bond, yet I
felt the angry breath, was five months any less?. I know I’m being foolish. But
the thought of giving up has been haunting me. What else can I do? I have been
asked to choose between my husband and the child in me. The only mistake of the
budding life was that it was a girl. The family was educated and they were rich
enough. It was not the money. It was the belief, a writing, a calculation by a
saint that has forced me to allow a knife be placed in my womb.
“ Sanvi
, he was never wrong. And he can never be. You know Netra, Dharvi’s wife.I
think you met her in couple of parties. She was foretold to give away one of
her finest property to end her troubles in married life. It was heart breaking
, but she gave it as charity and behold, she’s now the happiest lady..”
Father-in-law interrupted “ So you mean to say you’re not happy” She gave him a
stern look and continued “It’s the same saint dear. And you sir, don’t talk
about making …”
Nothing
made sense to me but I dare not speak. She was a principal and was not used to
getting questioned on her words. She was comparing a property to my child. I
couldn’t take it. I looked down and winked to my invisible child. I won’t give
up on you. That was the initial stage.
We met
the saint long back when we were just married. He was considered a soul so pure
that his words and future insights were valued in their region. He gave one
look and out came those words , which is now ruining my happiness as a first
time mother. The first child born, if girl, then that mangal sutra will become
meaningless. Had I not met that saint, the news of pregnancy would have been
celebrated.
My
husband was equally confused. He was not scared and I was proud of him. But
being a woman, I couldn’t stop worrying. We had taken utmost care. But somehow
failed. The news of me carrying gave everyone nightmares. The first prayer was
to make it a boy. The 20th week scan, worsened the things.
Everyone
forced me to drop the baby before too late. The once brave husband of mine too
got sidelined by elder’s advice. The doctor in the family proposed to murder
the life without delaying any further. How selfish can the family be. But if I
had been in their place, I too wouldn’t have taken chances. But now the lady
with the baby is me and I was being sentimental about it. Why shouldn’t I?
WOULDN’T ALL MOTHERS AGREE WITH ME? It’s true I haven’t seen its face, her face.
It’s true I haven’t fed it, so what ?Have I not the right to keep it, to be
protective about it? My husband was the pawn in this story. His life was
totally in my hands. Even though they tried to influence my decision, I stayed
mum. Cried for days.
One day
I informed that I’m ready for the crime. I was cold as a dead body.
I was
lying waiting for the doctor to come in.
“All
right let’s have a look at you” It was ironic.
I laid
back on the examining table. The doctor worked with her finger skillfully. I
felt an ineffable sense of sorrow. Unbidden visions came to my mind about my
daughter. Had she come out to this world, she would have been the most
beautiful creature. At this moment it was inside me, safe and warm and alive of
course, protected against the world in its amniotic womb. I wondered whether it
had any fear of what was about to happen, whether it would feel the pain of
being knived.
“Are
you al right?” Again an ironic statement. I wanted to ask her to stop being
good and just do her job. Murder. She took a syringe from the table next to my
bed and moved towards me.
“This
will relax you” . Yes right, only for the moment, after which I shall never
stay alive with this guilt in my mind. I drifted away, was aware of nurses
wheeling me into another room lit well. I was given a mask.”Breathe
deeply” The doctor was right. The meds were keeping me relaxed. I felt a
cold metal moving into me. It was the weapon of destruction for the weak one
within. I heard a shriek within me.
I
wanted to reach out and say “ Don’t worry, mom is here” But where? On the bed,
signed for contract killing, doing nothing but doped and relaxing and waiting
for you to get killed just because of … How can I be so immature. It can’t be.
I need to save her.If God wills , my husband will be with me forever. I don’t
think he needs my baby girl’s life as a sacrifice to make him live. He can’t be
cruel. Now or never.” No!!!!!!!!! Please Stop!!!” I did not know where the
energy came from but that’s the last I knew what happened there.
The
next day I woke up to find me in the same gown on a hospital bed. I was wide
eyed and trying to recollect everything when my husband came in smiling and
patted me and said “ I’m sorry for not understanding you, so let’s start
deciding a name..shall we?” The family came in but none of them seemed happy
about my come back. I looked at him and touched the baby bump. I have saved you
my love.
Today
I’m a proud mother of two, yes with the same man of course. Hahah . Things are
going good. Those who despised me are now my well-wishers. My in –laws
respect me for that brave stand I took for my daughter. They never went
back to that saint after wards. As for my husband, he’s still alive and
kicking.
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